I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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