Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
