We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
