Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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