If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
