Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
