the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
