no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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