the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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