Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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