Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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