I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well