What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
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WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
How naked do you want me to be?
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