You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?