did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.