mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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