I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sacagawea was the original milf.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
my liver is dry heaving
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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