we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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