Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
