My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I don't deserve a penis
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
