cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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