I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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