A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
