How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
God I need to hump something, right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
