just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
