the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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