When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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