I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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