You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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