In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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