I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
