I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
