You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
