I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
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