I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
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I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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