she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
