I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
