Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
