I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
