So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
