I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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