She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
