Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
