She is in my trunk
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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