is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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