I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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