now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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