I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
