Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
