i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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