My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
