Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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