yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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