No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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