I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
