Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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