Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
